My Way Or The Highway
by Youkai Of Hearts
Summary: Yuven Surana is a mage from the Tower of Magi, is the youngest of the group and is also the leader of this band of misfits. See what mischief they get too on their free time when not dealing with dark spawn all the time…contains multiple pairings
1. Chapter1:There'sNoSuchThingAsPrivacy

**Dragon Age**

**Origins**

* * *

**Rating:**

N/A

**Pairings:**

Multiple Pairings

**Disclaim:**

I do not own the game, it belongs to Bioware

**Warning:**

May contain slight OOC and some crazy plots

**Summary:**

Yuven Surana is a mage from the Tower of Magi, is the youngest of the group and is also the leader of this band of misfits. See what mischief they get too on their free time when not dealing with dark spawn all the time…contains multiple pairings

* * *

**My Way or The Highway!**

* * *

**Chapter 1 There's no Such thing as Privacy**

Being leader of a group that's meant to end the Blight is a tricky business

This Yuven knew better than anyone

He slept in his tent, wanting to get an early start tomorrow. They were heading towards Redcliffe.

Everyone else around him agreed that it would be for the best.

"_Pst"_ Yuven slowly opened his dreary eyes as he pushed himself up, his eyes monotonous and unable to see anything.

_Must be my imagination_ he wondered as he plopped back down onto his little makeshift bed and let sleep take him.

"_Pst, Yuven wake up"_ Yuven jumped up again to see Alistair's head peeked through the tent door, Yuven rubbed his eyes.

"What are you doing Alistair, Morrigan's tent is the one on the other side of camp" Yuven mumbled, Alistair slapped his hand onto his leader's mouth as he pulled the mage close to him

"_Shh, they'll hear you!"_ Alistair snapped in a shaky whisper. The situation was getting really awkward when Alistair took his hand off Yuven's lips. Yuven narrowed his gaze at the Templar as he pulled his quilt up to his chin

"_Alistair"_ he began, _"I like you and all but I don't swing that way"_

Alistair gasped as he looked at the elf in shear horror _"What? No! Nothing like that! Why would you even think that. I'm not Zevran for Maker's sake!"_

Yuven sighed in relief _"Good"_ he replied _"Why are you whispering? Whose they?"_

Alistair scooted closer to his leader _"It's about Redcliffe"_ Yuven narrowed his emerald gaze

"_Yeah? What about it?"_ Yuven asked

"_I think there's something you should know about me before we get to Redcliffe"_ he said, Yuven noticed that the way Alistair put it was sounding really nervous.

Yuven tilted his head to one side _"You won a medal in a pillow fight competition?"_

"_What? No!"_ Yuven closed his eyes as he thought really hard

"_You have a fetish for women in leather underwear?"_

"_No!"_ Alistair shouted in a whisper

"_Oh, you don't have a crush for Morrigan do you? So you go for that kind of girl?"_ Yuven teased until Alistair hit his leader on the head with a tightened fist.

"_I'd rather eat glass"_ Alistair groaned until he shock his head, _"Wait? No that's not what I'm talking to you about!" _

"_Really? Then tell me already stop stalling!"_

"_Okay"_ Alistair began, taking in a deep breath _"Before going into Redcliffe, there's something I need to tell you"_

Yuven sat there, eagerly waiting for Alistair to tell him about this seemingly important matter

"_What I'm going to tell you has to stay between us"_ Yuven's eyes widened to unbelievable proportions as the red head gulped, the atmosphere was becoming really tense. _"For it may shock you"_

"_Alistair just tell me, no dramatics"_ Yuven whispered flatly

Alistair nodded _"Okay, do you really want to know?"_

Yuven nodded_ "Yes"_

"_Are you sure?"_ Alistair asked

Yuven nodded again _"Yes"_

"_You positive?"_

_How long is he going to stall for?_ Yuven thought as he gritted his teeth _"Yes"_

Alistair stared at Yuven seriously until he asked once more _"Are you sure you want to know?"_

Yuven frowned, grabbing Alistair by the collar of his armour and tugged him close, he was angry and annoyed, but also tired, obviously _"Tell me Alistair or I am going to tell Morrigan that you were the one who was peeking on her every time she took a shower!"_

"_What? That wasn't me, that was you and Zevran!"_ Alistair defended

Yuven smirked _"Who do you think she'll believe?"_

Alistair frowned as he shock Yuven's touch off him _"Fine…"_ the two stared off for a couple of minutes which stretched into hours until Yuven frowned

"Morrigan!"

"_Alright I'll tell you! You demon"_ Alistair grumbled as he took in a deep breath, placing his hand around Yuven's ear as he whispered into it

"_I'm a…"_

Meanwhile outside of the tent, Zevran, Morrigan, the dog Han Solo, Leliana and Sten all exchanged gazes, they were all in shock except for Sten who was able to maintain the same bored expression on his face like he was made of stone.

"_Well"_ Zevran spoke as he looked to his fellow comrades with a smirk on his lips _"That is interesting no?"_

"_I really had no idea"_ Morrigan, a smile lacing her own lips. She also found the information that the Templar had interesting _"But this is juicy indeed"_

With what they heard they all rushed off back to their tents before they were caught eavesdropping. When it came to morning everyone's eyes were directed to Alistair, except for Yuven since he was still in shock.

They all sat down and had breakfast before Morrigan began conversation "So…" she began looking over to Alistair "What were you doing at Yuven's tent last night _Alistair_?"

Alistair began to choke on his breakfast before awkwardly swallowing his food, his face was purple as he looked at Morrigan and replied weakly "Nothing! Nothing…"

"Oh? Why are you so nervous for Alistair? We are only interested in what you and the gorgeous Yuven were talking about last night?" Zevran asked, edging his almond eyes over to Yuven, it looked like the assassin was looking at Yuven alluringly with his gaze which sent shivers up the young elf's spine, and not in a good way.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" Zevran leaned towards his leader with a smile

"I'm just fascinated with the way you eat your food my dear Grey Warden" Zevran took a fork out of his plate as he placed the tip that had meat on it directly in front of Yuven's mouth "Open wide" he chuckled

"Um, _no_"

"But what were you two talking about anyway?" Leliana asked, clearing interested in what they were talking about "It seemed really important"

"Indeed" Sten included followed by the barking of Han Solo

"Come on Alistair" Morrigan said, her gaze leering at Alistair, like her eyes were taking his soul…

"Enlighten us"

"Come on Grey Warden" Zevran, who was obviously interested in _other _things at the moment, pressed the fork with the piece of meat at Yuven's lips "Say 'Ah'!"

Yuven frowned, not liking Zevran's advances "You'd like that wouldn't you, you pervert?"

To which Zevran just grinned at him like a cat and replied "_Maaaaaaaaybe?_"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Alistair snapped, stabbing his fork into his plate "I have no clue what you're implying!"

Knowing that Alistair was intimidated with her stare, Morrigan continued to leer at him with her bright honey eyes "Oh really? Then why are you yelling at me Alistair? I am only curious?"

"I'm not yelling" Alistair replied "**This is yelling!**"

Han Solo barked to which Sten followed with saying "Indeed" not even knowing what the dog was trying to say.

"Zevran I'm serious" Yuven warned, obviously getting irritated by the assassin's inappropriate behaviour "Get that fork away from me before I stab you"

Zevran was still not backing up "Oh I love it when you get angry"

"You seem to be behaving oddly Alistair" Morrigan said teasingly "Do you have something to get off your chest?"

"Morrigan it has nothing to do with you!"

"Zevran this is the **last** warning, get the fucking fork out of my face" Yuven snapped

"Oooooh feisty, I like that in my women, well in this case men"

"Look Zevran cut it out or I'm telling Leliana the wet dreams you have of her at night!" Yuven yelled, jumping to his feet and pointing an accusing finger at Zevran who only stared at his leader with reddened cheeks.

Silence fell amongst everyone as shock was evident on everyone's face, except Yuven who smirked when Zevran rose to his feet glaring at the mage.

"Oh, is that how we're going to play my friend?" This time Zevran was the accuser as he pointed an accusing finger at Yuven "Well I'm telling Morrigan that you were the one who broke her favourite Mirror!"

Yuven was the one who paled, looking over to Morrigan who glared at him.

"That was you! How could you Yuven! I blamed the dog!" as if on cue, Han Solo barked which one again was followed by Sten who just said 'Indeed'

"Oh don't play innocent with us Morrigan" Alistair interrupted "We all know that you were the one who replaced Yuven's drink with a potion that turned him into a girl for a month!"

"I only did that because Yuven did the same to me!" Morrigan retaliated

"But that wasn't even meant for you! That was for Alistair!" Yuven yelled

Alistair narrowed his gaze at the red haired elf who gulped; he was in for it now.

"What?"

"And you Alistair, don't act all high and mighty" Morrigan snapped "I know you were the one who spilt wine on Leliana's chantry robe!"

Leliana was in shock as she looked at Alistair "Is that true?"

"Y-Yes but I was going to tell you-"

"How could you Alistair!" Leliana screamed "I blamed Han Solo, poor thing!"

Han Solo barked to which Sten said "Indeed" once more

"Oh now the Chantry priest is acting innocent, but you are no saint!" Zevran chirped "I know that you were spying on Yuven, Morrigan and Alistair when they were bathing"

Alistair and Yuven both turned bright red as they both gasped while Morrigan was lost for words

Leliana shouted loudly "I only did it because you did!"

Zevran made a small blush as if he only remembered "Oh that's right"

"But now that we're on the subject I know that you snuck into Yuven's tent and tried on his robes!" Leliana accused

Yuven flinched as if horrified

"No wonder their too big on me!" Yuven cried

"Oh please, I only did it because I saw Alistair putting on Morrigan's attire"

Silence once more fell upon everyone as Morrigan glared at Alistair "Is that true?"

Alistair shamefully turned his head away as a dark blush caressed his cheeks "When I have a bit much to drink, I get _ideas_" Alistair explained meekly looking down at his splintmail boots.

Morrigan was wondering why her jacket seemed a couple of sizes too big

"Ideas?" Yuven asked as he turned his head away "That's a scary thought"

"Hey you have no right to judge me!" Alistair glared, pointing at Yuven with a shaky finger "I saw what you did to the Man in the last village, when a man from a charity came to get donations off you; you just set the dog on him!"

Yuven was over to Han Solo who was wagging his tail as his master petted him "And he had fun too, didn't you boy?" he cooed to which the dog barked happily which was once again followed by Sten's 'Indeed'

"That's not the point you sadist!"

Not liking being called a sadist, Yuven growled as he snapped, turning round and shouted at the top of his lungs "Oh yeah? Well guess what your Majesty I bet everyone already knows that you're the Bastard's son to King Maric!"

After realising what he just said he looked at Alistair bewildered, so did Alistair who looked on in horror as he looked at everyone.

_Shit_ Yuven thought

Silence

More and more awkward silence, there wasn't even a sound; all that could be heard was the birds singing.

"What!"

_There's just no such thing as Privacy anymore…_ That was Alistair's conclusion

* * *

**To Be Continued…**

**

* * *

**

**Authors Note**

Hi all, first chapter to 'My Way Or The Highway', coming up with a comedy fic for characters like Alistair and Morrigan is hard, espeacially if Sten is involved because he doesn't really show much emotion unless he's fighting and doesn't have much responses

But I have to say I haven't come up with many comedy style fics, especially for something that has a serious storyline like Dragon Age, even if it does have some comedy, it's hard coming up with plots that some of the characters might be involved in, so I'm just going to take it as it comes along.

My brother overlooked this for me and he was kind enough to fix some mistakes but when he asked me if Yuven's a girl? I just looked at him and said 'I thought I made it clear that he's a guy?'

Anyway expect much multiple pairings and hopefull some good upcoming material!


	2. Chapter 2:DishingOutHorribleMedicines

**Dragon Age**

**Origins**

**

* * *

**

**Rating:**

N/A

**Pairings:**

Multiple Pairings

**Disclaim:**

I do not own the game, it belongs to Bioware

**Warning:**

May contain slight OOC and some crazy plots

**Summary:**

Yuven Surana is a mage from the Tower of Magi, is the youngest of the group and is also the leader of this band of misfits. See what mischief they get too on their free time when not dealing with dark spawn all the time…contains multiple pairings

* * *

**My Way or The Highway!**

**

* * *

**

**Chapter 2 Dishing out Horrible Medicines**

At first it seemed like a good idea, nothing wrong with wanting to help your comrades.

But recently it has been becoming a bit more of a problem. They didn't mind Yuven wanting to help. In fact it was his choice to make potions and medicines for all of them that kept them in shape.

It's just that…

And this they all knew, it's just that the potions that Yuven made aren't exactly…

Edible or even remotely drinkable, seriously the dog barely lived through being a Guinea pig.

Yet, Yuven was trying so hard that none of them could bring themselves to tell the Mage that potion making wasn't his forte.

"I can't take it anymore" Alistair mumbled, his hands placed on his head as he messed his hair. "Last week Yuven made a Healing potion, I passed out during battle"

Everyone nodded while Yuven was out of ear shot, the young Mage was too busy making more potions and medicines.

"To be honest, I think he has more of a talent for poison making than potion making" Zevran noted, a master in poison making himself.

Morrigan glared at Zevran "Do you want to tell him that?"

The assassin elf's dark skin paled to a great degree "As much as I admire the young Warden I must refuse, doing so would probably get me killed. You saw what happened to Han Solo when Yuven made the Mabari Crunch, right?"

Everyone froze, turning their gaze to the dog who was currently knocked out cold. He's been like that for five days now.

"Well I fear that he'll make me his Lab rat once he's through with the dog" Zevran whispered. A hint of fear could be heard in his voice.

"Indeed" Sten said. Still as lively as a rock and features made of stone.

Leliana was trembling. Her nerves were getting wrecked with this whole potion making business. "Do we have to endure such trials? Maker save us!" Morrigan slapped Leliana to bring her back to the land of sanity.

"Calm yourself Leliana! No matter what the challenge we must endure!"

"Hey!" all of them froze, turning their heads to see Yuven making his way towards them. They all panicked, like the apocalypse was about to come and tear them away from their mortal coils.

"Ah, Yuven" Alistair greeted, if not a bit hesitant and shivering about his friend's appearance. Fear rose even more to an unbelievable scale when they saw the potion bottle that was laced in the young Elf's hand.

"W-What's that you have there?" Alistair looked down at the bottle with such sheer horror on his face.

"Oh this? It's a new potion I was making. One that can replenish your health and mana" Yuven explained which caused the others to shiver.

_Dear Andraste,_ Alistair thought. _Save us all_. "Really?" he asked, lips trembling and skin getting pale.

"Alistair are you okay?" Yuven asked, taking Alistair's temperature. The young Mage seemed to be really worried about Alistair's health, but in all honesty the former Templar considered Yuven making fun of him again. "You seem rather pale"

"O-Oh yes I'm fine!" Alistair yelled before calming himself down. "Just perfectly fine"

"Well can I ask you a favour Alistair?" Alistair flinched. He felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand up. That can't be a good sign.

"S-Sure, what is it?"

Everyone scooted a little away from the two. A very unsettling aura was rushing through their senses and it was enough to make all the wild life silent. For the love of the Maker some of the plants even began to wither. The dog actually started to twitch again.

"Well, do you think you can test this potion bottle? Its just Han Solo is sick and I tried everything on him and he just got worse"

Everyone who was at a relatively safe distance glared at the young Mage.

_You're the one that __**made **__him sick!_ Leliana thought

_Does this mean that Alistair's next?_ Morrigan thought, actually enjoying this predicament.

_Phew, thank you Andraste, Maker or whoever it is that saved me!_ Zevran praised

"Ah-" it just took Alistair one look at those puppy dog eyes to buckle under "O-Of course I will, I-I'd be more than happy too" Alistair mumbled dimly as he took the potion bottle and quickly placed it into his arsenal

Yuven not seeming to notice the hint of disdain, smiled happily. "Thank you Alistair"

The young elf mage walked over to their bags and looked through it, seemingly searching for something but to no avail.

"Huh…" the red head began. "We're low on supplies"

It was if a bell began to rang in Alistair's head.

Low on supplies?

A trip to the village near by?

A chance to get rid of this poison that was given to him?

A chance for him to **actually **_**live! **_

**The Maker loves him!**

"Oh really?" Alistair asked "I'll get them! What do you need?"

Yuven got up from the bags and looked at his comrade, a bit suspicious on why Alistair of all people would want to go and get the supplies. He _**never**_ gets the supplies. "I'll go with you then, we can help each other"

Alistair flinched, his face gone very pale. "No!" he yelled which made everyone jump. The Templar swore he even felt the ground shake from his outburst. "I mean no, you should stay here and _look after_ Han Solo" Alistair said that slowly turning his head towards the others "Besides, Morrigan, Leliana and Zevran are going to help me"

Morrigan cocked an eyebrow as she looked at Alistair blankly. "Why would I help you?"

Leliana, realising that she also had a chance to actually **live** slapped her hand on Morrigan as the two of them slowly got to their feet. "She means to say that we'll help Alistair with the supplies"

"Yes, wait here Grey Warden we will be back in great haste"

Before Yuven could even protest the four of them vanished in a blink of an eye. Sten on the other hand, not liking the idea of being _abandoned_ looked on in shock. Which was a change from his usual stone-like appearance; it was like he was saying _'Don't leave me'_ through body language.

"Um, Sten" Sten regaining what composure turned his head slowly to Yuven, who had clutched in his hands a bottle with it's liquid coloured in a very, **very** dark violet. _It's surely poison_ the Qunari thought.

"W-Would you…"

"Thank Andraste, we get to shop for supplies" Alistair praised, hands pressed together in a prayer like state. Kneeling on the ground as people walking by classified him as either very _religious_ but on the other hand Morrigan classes him as someone who's basically _lost_ his mind.

"You do realise that sooner or later we have to tell Yuven about his lack of talent for potion making?" Leliana mentioned that one taboo subject that everyone was dreading. All except for Morrigan who was smiling in joy at their predicament, mainly Alistair's…

"Why tell him? I would actually enjoy seeing Alistair suffer"

"You demon" Alistair snarled

"Um, Alistair you might want to stand up before the village people call the authorities" Zevran warned, noticing the glares and stares that the people were giving him. "So, what do you suppose we do? If we're out here for long, Sten might not be there when we return"

"Do you really care?" Morrigan asked, not buying the Antivan's seemingly caring nature towards the Qunari.

"Honestly, no but to leave him in such a fate like that is cruel no?"

Morrigan rolled her eyes, arms folded. "No, Yuven using the dog as a little test subject is cruel. Sten will be fine"

As the four of them walked through the village, ignoring the stares from the villagers, they decided to actually get some supplies; supplies that might actually prove useful.

Alistair on the other hand was wondering what to do with the potion bottle that his leader gave to him. He could empty it but it might be flammable like last time when he chucked the bottle at a dark spawn.

The next thought that approached him was give it to someone but then he didn't want someone to die because he wanted to live…

"By the way Alistair" Leliana asked, noticing that the Templar was looking at the bottle that was in his hand for a long time. "What are you going to do about that bottle?"

"I say drink it" Morrigan said, once again sharing her noble guidance when it was not wanted "It would get rid of a few minutes of boredom"

"Charming" Alistair mumbled angrily.

Zevran snatched the bottle out of Alistair's hands. "Allow me to get rid of it for you my friend" the Antivan elf suggested as he walked over to a villager near a cart with horses, filled with jewels and kegs of wine and whisky.

The blond elf walked up to the owner of the cart, putting on his best face and approaching the man.

"Ah! What fine horses my friend! Where are you headed?"

"What do you think he's doing over there?" the Chantry Priestess, obviously worried at what Zevran was plotting started to bite her nails in anticipation.

"Only the Maker knows" Alistair replied while Morrigan stood there. She seemed rather sad and upset. Alistair swore that he saw a tear going down her face.

"I" she began as her lips trembled, next came the howling. "I was really looking forward to seeing Alistair drinking it, I wanted him to suffer!"

"You sadist! What is it with you and watching me suffer!"

"Did you miss me?" everyone gasped when Zevran returned, a smirk on his face. He seemed to be very happy about what happened. The bottle was no longer in his hands and everyone wondered what happened to it.

"Um, what happened to the potion bottle?"

"Well, you see that cart driver over there?" everyone looked over to the man that hopped into his cart and drove off with his cargo in tow, headed to destinations unknown. "When I told him that I had a very _rare_ rum it being the potion bottle, he was rather happy to take it to Denerim for a good price, yes"

Alistair looked on shocked. "You mean he bought the potion bottle?"

Zevran nodded, bringing out the money that he received for giving the potion bottle away. "Two gold bars, a fine sell indeed"

"Seriously?" this was rather unbelievable; Alistair could not believe what he was hearing. Zevran sold the potion bottle for two gold bars? There was no way that could've happened? "You sold that potion bottle for two gold bars?"

Zevran once more nodded. "Among other things"

"What sort of other things?" Morrigan asked, not liking where the conversation was headed.

"Well I was able to also sell some documents for a good price"

Alistair's rising smile was soon turning to a worried frown. "Wait? What kind of documents?" Zevran shrugged his shoulders, almond eyes turning over to the direction of the cart.

"Something about treaties, I don't know"

_Treaties? _Alistair thought seriously for a while until it hit him like a brick wall. His heart felt like it was about to explode

"Oh Andraste help us all. The Treaties!" Alistair rushed over to Zevran and grabbed the blond by the scruff of his collar, screaming like a madman. "You fool. Those were the treaties for the Dalvish, the Mages and the Dwarves!"

If he lost those then Yuven was going to kill him, forget the potion. He didn't want to be burned alive.

He could see it now. He could actually hear Yuven speaking to him

"_Of course I forgive you Alistair" Yuven said with a smile, a fake smile, Alistair was positive it was defiantly a fake smile._

"_Um Yuven…" Yuven looked at him with eyes closed, flames engulfing his hands "Why are your hands on fire?"_

"_No reason, __**no reason at all**__"_

"I-**I-**_**I have to get them back!**_" without a second thought Alistair rushed off after the cart.

His three companions looked on watching as Alistair ran off like a wild animal.

"Um, Shouldn't we help him?" Zevran asked to which Morrigan chuffed walking off towards the village stores

"Are you kidding? You already wrecked my fun with the potion bottle; I'm not letting this go to waste"

"I suppose" Zevran mumbled, he actually seemed kind of guilty "But we should help no?"

Morrigan narrowed her eyes, her hands slowly grasping onto the collar of Zevran's leather armour as she pulled him towards her, eyes shining in flames as she began to snarl in a low voice "Look here Assassin" she began "Leave it be, I want to see him suffer"

_She's defiantly a Witch_

_

* * *

_

**To Be Continued**

**

* * *

**

**Authors Note**

Thought this would be worth a few laughs, hope you enjoy it, coming up with material isn't easy, to see if Alistair is able to retain the treaties, will Yuven realise the horrible truth of his lethal potions and what is the fate of Sten and Han Solo...

Well probably have to wait until chapter 3 now won't we?


	3. Chapter3:WhenAllElseFailsBlameTheDog

**Dragon Age**

**Origins**

**

* * *

**

**Rating:**

N/A

**Pairings:**

Multiple Pairings

**Disclaim:**

I do not own the game, it belongs to Bioware

**Warning:**

May contain slight OOC and some crazy plots

**Summary:**

Yuven Surana is a mage from the Tower of Magi, is the youngest of the group and is also the leader of this band of misfits. See what mischief they get too on their free time when not dealing with dark spawn all the time…contains multiple pairings

* * *

**My Way or The Highway!**

* * *

**Chapter 3 When All Else Fails Blame The Dog**

Teyrn Loghain Mac Tir was on his way to a festival held in his honour at a city, located to the south of Denerim.

He was sitting in his carriage relaxed and totally at piece, waiting to arrive at this city.

He was insisted to attend to show that he is _now_ the ruler of Ferelden; the warrior felt he should have a different change of pace and this could be exactly what he needed.

But still, something was bothering him…

"Sergeant," Loghain called, the Sergeant approached, fixing his helmet, he seemed to be very nervous because every time he walked his hands would shake with the blade.

"Yes my lord?"

"About the city that this Event is taking place, what is the name of this city?"

The sergeant took awhile to reply and when he did reply he stuttered. "Spartalan Sir!" it took the Teyrn awhile to process the information.

"Stop the carriage!" Loghain yelled making everyone and every animal that they had brought along stop in its tracks. The man narrowed his black eyes at the Sergeant, his long black hair touching his silver armour as he stared.

"Now, would you care to repeat yourself again Sergeant?"

The Sergeant shock and trembled as he saw his superior stepping out of the carriage. "Higgins sir," the shaky sergeant replied

Loghain folded his arms, showing a pose of pure royalty while the Grey Wardens thought that he was just a really stuck up prick.

"Higgins? Well Sergeant Higgins would you like to repeat that answer?"

"Higgins sir?" Loghain placed a hand onto his temple to soothe it, his head felt sore like a migraine was about to come on.

"Not that you blundering fool! To where we're going!" the Teyrn snapped; his temper about to be unleashed upon the poor man.

"Oh, of course sir, S-Spartalan sir, we're going to Spartalan!"

Loghain stared at the Sergeant for awhile, not believing the man for a moment. "Are you serious? Spartalan is a city that I honestly do _not_ want to go to, especially to one of their _festivals!_"

"But sir you already accepted the invitation, you can not just _not_ attend! It would wreck your image not only that the relations between Denerim and Spartalan!"

Image or not, Loghain did not want to suffer the torments of heading to a place like Spartalan, in that city all men, whether they were raised or visiting had to abide to a very _strict_ dress code which in all honesty shouldn't even be _called_ a **dress code** at all.

Wearing loincloths is surely **not** a dress code!

"I don't care, I am not **doing** it!" Loghain took a moment to think over what to do in a situation like this but since he was already on his way he should really consider what the best thing to do was.

"Sergeant Higgins! You go in my place disguised as me!"

Sergeant Higgins stared at his superior before he decided to point out one crucial fact. "But sir, Teyrna Elissa Cousland is attending, they will surely know the difference if she points it out."

Of course, he found himself growling mentally in his mind.

Teyrna Elissa Cousland was the only remaining daughter of the Couslands and one of the two surviving siblings.

Not only that but she was one of the Grey Wardens that had found the traitor and annihilated them with her blade. She was well known and if anyone tried to talk against her she is known to triumph with her reputation unscathed.

"Damn that Cousland woman! Always trying to make things difficult for me!" it was especially difficult because of her influence. Her being one of many Grey Wardens was not only challenging but a problem as well.

He knew once he got there, that Teyrna Cousland would surely give him a hard time and would take pleasure in his suffering.

Loghain had to come up with a plan and fast…

* * *

"I told you we should've just put the loincloths on." said an elf hiding behind the silhouette.

There were three to four shadows, three of them looked like men while one was a woman.

"A Templar does _**not**_ wear a loincloth." The human sized shadow snapped, having to remove his armour.

"Well fighting against those knights _**surely**_ helped things didn't it?" the female shadow mumbled, making sure her sarcasm could be heard in her words.

"Ah, do I detect a hint of sarcasm?" the second elf shadow mused

"It wasn't exactly my fault you know?" the male mortal defended as he lowered himself down.

"But it _**was**_ your fault!" the first elf snapped. "You lost the treaties, the wagon was headed to Denerim and who exactly _**followed the trail mindlessly to Spartalan!**_"

"One," the human shadow began, forming into his normal height once more. "I didn't track the treaties. It was Han Solo, and two it was his fault!" the male human shadow pointed an accusing finger to the second elf "If he hadn't **sold** them we wouldn't be in this mess to begin with"

"Well who was the one that wanted to get rid of the potion bottle of doom? Surely not I" the second elf defended.

"Look will you all just be silent." The woman snapped, showing that she was getting fed up with their childish bickering. "Do I need to remind you all that we're keeping the prison guard waiting."

Once remembering that they had an audience, the three male shadows sighed as they all left the protection of the silhouette, each of them cursing in Andraste's name while the woman sighed at the mere idea of even being associated with these morons in the first place.

What the silhouette revealed was Yuven Surana, Alistair, Zevran Arainai and Morrigan. The men wore loincloths that showed their legs and left their chests bare, Morrigan's outfit just allowed her to wear her bra and a longish type skirt.

"Good," the guard, seemingly to like their new attire (much to Alistair's annoyance) and lead them to an enclosed area with bars that only showed a bit of light from the huge coliseum that they were in.

They could hear the roars of the crowds as two warriors did battle in the coliseum.

Both of them were very muscular, both equipped with swords and shields. "For Spartalan!" they both cried as they charged towards each other.

"Oh great," Yuven mumbled as he was slightly sickened by the display. "Can someone seriously tell me what is with these guys and their fascinations with Loincloths?" the red haired elf asked.

"I think I might know." Morrigan said, who is actually being more useful than usual into enlighten her comrades into the right path for a change. "In the land of Spartalan they say that the men here are only allowed to wear Loincloths because it would show that they are suitable bachelors, not only that it shows their strength."

Yuven frowned, not seemingly believing in what he is hearing. "Seriously?"

Morrigan nodded. "And also, if you are a man and if you have a relationship with _another_ man it is said that they think highly in _those_ kinds of relationships."

"You're kidding right?" Yuven asked as his jaw hung in horror.

The guard looked at them with leering eyes as he locked them in.

"You better be prepared infidels." The guard snarled as a huge smirk came onto his lips. "Because one of you will be next to entertain the great Teyrn Loghain"

"Charming," Alistair groaned, not one bit scared of the guard's threatening voice.

Until something registered into their leader's mind once the Guard made his leave. "Did he just say that Loghain was going to attend?" silence filled up the cell as the roars of bloodlust from the crowd could be heard in the coliseum.

* * *

"Nice of you to finally arrive my dear Teyrn Loghain?" greeted a young woman in her twenties, her long blond hair formed into a nice plat as she wore a golden coloured bra with a long white skirt that showed a bit of her legs at the side.

However the Teyrn could see that the young woman was well equipped with a dagger on her leg.

"And a hello to you too my dear young Teyrna Cousland." Loghain heaved, he was making sure that the young Elissa Cousland could hear how much he _disliked _her.

But the young Cousland did not mind as she sat in her chair and smiled, she loved to make his life a torture.

"I see that your _**brother **_is not with you today."

Elissa smiled lightly as she giggled. "Well Fergus said he would _love_ to attend but he remembered he had somewhere to be. Once I mentioned where I was heading of course"

The Warden was alone; this he raised his eyebrow to, his mind thinking that if she was alone then all will go smoothly. "So you are here by yourself Teyrna Cousland?"

At that moment in time there were sounds of yelling coming from one of the stands. _**"Loghain you swine, don't you touch my darling of a gem Elissa!"**_ the voice had a deep Dalvish accent and defiantly sounded male.

"Oh no, I'm here with my escort, you remember the Grey Warden who was titled the Black Hawk don't you?"

_Shit,_ the Teyrn thought, how could he not **know**, the Black Hawk was a mighty Dalvish Elf who was just around the same age as Elissa if not a bit older. His skin was dark like leather and his hair was long and was pitched black like the night skies.

The one and only to hold such a title was Theron Mahariel.

"I'm afraid he's a bit protective of me," Elissa giggled as Loghain took his seat beside her. "I mean when we were at Lothering he completely lost it when I was captured by some bandits. He's really just looking out for me." the young girl laughed. "Even though he took what dignity those men had left he is really a nice man"

"_**Elissa if that guy gives you any trouble I'll gladly cut off his manhood and shove it down his throat!"**_

Loghain's face turned purple as he looked towards Sergeant Higgins who could only look back at him with the same expression, if not a bit paler.

* * *

"Okay, remember the plan?" Yuven said as they all formed a circle. "We'll let Alistair go first."

Alistair's eyes went wide open. "Why me? Loghain will surely know my face, why don't you go!" he snapped at his fellow Warden who just narrowed his gaze at the Ex-Templar.

"He knows my face too you know." Yuven pointed out.

"Then what about Zevran!" Alistair snapped pointing a finger towards the Antivan Assassin.

Zevran put his hands up like he was defending himself from attack and replied. "I'm afraid that the Teyrn will know my face because I met him personally." Alistair looked at Zevran with accusing eyes and gritting his teeth as he scowled.

"Besides he probably doesn't remember you Alistair and it is _**your**_ job to get us out of this mess." Yuven highlighted, still holding Alistair responsible for what was currently happening.

Morrigan was surely enjoying this plan; it could be seen in the twinkles of light that shone in her eyes as her lips curled into an innocent smile. "Well Alistair this should be fun."

_She's only agreeing to this so that she can watch me suffer,_ Alistair concluded knowing the witch's evil ways.

Their little powwow session was interrupted when the guard returned with a spare sword in hand.

"Right it's time Infidels!" the guard snapped, opening the door and letting him self in. "One of you is next into entertaining the masses."

Yuven smirked, patting his friend Alistair on the back as a good jester. "Well good luck Alistair, hope you win." the red head's smirk slowly disappeared when the sword was forced into his hands; he jumped, looking at the prison guard with wide eyes. "Um, what are you doing?"

The guard placed his hands onto his hips and stared at the young elf with a twisted smirk on his features. "Giving the _next challenger_ his gear"

All colour on Yuven's face faded. "Me?"

The guard nodded, "Yes."

Yuven looked at the loincloth he was wearing, "In this?"

That guard nodded again "Yes."

"With no armour or anything?" It was only when the guard stepped aside to let a couple of other soldiers carrying a body in a stretcher walk by did it seem apparent what the answer would be.

"What do you think?"

Yuven began to panic; his heart was beginning to thump so hard it would surely explode. "This is madness!" Yuven snapped.

The soldier looked at him with wide eyes as he replied. "Madness?" he took in a deep breath and bellowed, thumping his hand onto his muscular chest as he made a very fruity pose.

"This is Spartalan!"

With his words echoing the guard grabbed Yuven by the arm and tugged him out of the cell.

"Good luck Yuven." Alistair called.

"It was nice to serve under you my dear Grey Warden." Zevran sniffled like this was Yuven's send off.

Morrigan on the other hand was not as thrilled to see Yuven go as she rushed to the bars of the cell and screamed. "It's not fair!"

Alistair and Zevran both scurried to a corner and covered their ears as the walls around them trembled. "Why can't it be Alistair! Why do you mock me Maker! Why!" she howled.

* * *

"How are you enjoying the festivities my dear Teyrn Loghain and my dear Teyrna Cousland," greeted the ruler of Spartalan. Lonidas towered above the two with a long red clock. He was surely big in more ways than one. He was tall, had huge biceps and muscles.

"I'm really enjoying myself Arl Lonidas." Teyrna Cousland replied taking a sip of very fine wine while she flicked pieces of her blond hair away from her line of sight to see the spectacle better.

"And you my dear Teyrn?" Lonidas asked edging himself closer to Loghain, his cheeks bright red as his eyes looked at him with anticipation, admiration and lust.

Elissa giggled when she saw the look of horror in Loghain's eyes.

"Um, y-yes this is certainly a _unique_ festival you have here Arl Lonidas." The Arl's face lit up as he sat himself down, shooing his servant away to get some beverages as he took the warrior's hands into his own and chuckled.

Making the Teyrn feeling _really_ uncomfortable, Loghain wanted to get his sword and chomp them off right there and then.

But then again he remembered the importance of keeping relations between Denerim and Spartalan and forced himself to endure.

"My beloved Teyrn," Lonidas said in awe as one of his servants came to him, a bottle with no label was presented to them as he took the bottle and showed it to Loghain himself.

"One of my men intercepted this wagon on its way to your city and when they halted him they saw this bottle. He said that an Antivan elf gave it to him saying it is a rare rum and I thought that I would enjoy such nectar with you my beloved Teyrn."

Loghain narrowed his eyes; the bottle looked very suspicious, he wondered if it could be a sleeping potion or something that'll make him receptive to the Arl's attempts to butter up to him.

"How thoughtful," he said, sarcasm could be heard in his voice. Apparently the Arl did not seem to hear the hint and continued to bring the bottle closer to Loghain's glass until he raised his hand to stop the Arl from filling his glass. "But I'm afraid I do not drink."

Elissa looked at him with disbelieving eyes. "Yes you do, you drank a gallon of wine back in Redcliffe." She noted which earned her a well deserved frown from Loghain; his eyes just screamed, _Stay out of this woman!_

However it seemed that fate saved him from questioning as the sound of trumpets deafened his ears and the roars of the crowd echoed in the coliseum. Loghain sighed in relief when he saw that the battle was coming underway.

Meanwhile back down on the actual battlefield…

Yuven Surana found himself pushed into the arena. His eyes widened at the sight of millions of people at the stands roaring and screaming for blood.

"You have got to be fucking kidding me," Yuven mumbled, completely shocked at the millions of people. All of them wearing loincloths and bras with skirts raping his eyes and driving him to the edge.

"What is wrong with these people!" he screamed.

"Come on Yuven!" he turned his head round to the bars that showed many of the prisoners, especially Alistair, Zevran and Morrigan.

"If you lose make sure to scream like a woman so they can take pity on you!" Zevran yelled.

"Forget that, play dead!" Alistair roared

"You bastards!" Yuven screamed, couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Do you doubt my capabilities! Such disrespect will not be tolerated."

"Ladies and Beautiful Gentlemen!" Yuven looked up to see Arl Lonidas rising to his feet "I am proud to present this battle in the honour of Teyrn Loghain and Teyrna Cousland!"

Yuven narrowed his eyes up at the Arl. People could tell that he was not amused nor is he impressed. "Great," he mumbled. "Another loincloth weirdo with a red cape and this one looks even fruitier than the others."

"Who will win this epic match?" the Arl roared. "The Hero of the city, the gorgeous and beautiful Mario!"

Yuven saw his opponent and placed a hand onto his head to hold back a headache. His opponent was ridiculous looking and he wasn't talking about the loincloth. He was muscular like the Arl but he had an afro and a creepy looking moustache.

All in all he looked like something from a freak show.

"Or this skinny pipsqueak of an elf," Yuven growled raising his hand to the air in outrage as he snapped.

"You pompous fruitcake!" he shrieked. "Whose a skinny pipsqueak? That's a racist insult you bastard!" Yuven would gladly cast a spell on that bastard if it wasn't for the fact that he was surrounded by innocent masses. He was _oh so_ tempted to cast Tempest.

"You tell him Pipsqueak!" Alistair hollered.

"Show them what you're made of Squeaky!" Zevran called out at the top of his lungs.

"Shut up!" Yuven squealed, his temper greatly rising to burning point.

"Oh? This is really unfair why I need to fight this little pipsqueak." His opponent, Mario moaned which only added to Yuven's rising temper. "I mean, I could be fighting someone who would actually put up a fight."

Yuven gripped his sword and snapped. "I am not a pipsqueak you talking piece of crap! If you're the hero of this city then I think half of this place is made up of brain dead hicks and a bunch of weaklings that couldn't beat their grandmothers in a drunken bar fight!"

For some unknown reason Mario started to sniffle. "You just told my entire life story!"

_You have got to be kidding me,_ Yuven snarled in his mind. The fight hasn't even started yet and Yuven was already able to make his opponent sniffle pathetically.

This was defiantly his definition of hell.

"You may now begin the match!" the fruity ruler yelled as the trumpets roared their victorious tune.

Yuven gave out a big sigh. "This is madness," he moaned.

"Madness?" Mario asked, raising his sword for battle as he charged at an amazing speed. **"This is Spartalan!"**

The match only seemingly lasted for five seconds before Mario was flung out of the coliseum into an empty wagon located outside. There was silence in the arena for about three seconds until the whole arena went up in an uproar with cheering.

"Go Pipsqueak!" they cheered.

_Honestly?_ Yuven thought placing the tip of the blade onto his shoulder.

"Inconceivable." The Arl gasped. Loghain was shocked but the Teyrna on the other hand was on her feet and clapping for the young elf's victory.

"Amazing!" Elissa complimented. "And such a good looking elf? He's not a mere pipsqueak my dear Arl" she noted, setting herself back down on to her chair and took another sip of her wine.

"Good looking? He has no muscles! No beauty! No elegance!" the Arl raged, opening the _rare_ bottle and poring its contents into his own glass. "How could that be good looking?"

"Looks aren't everything," Elissa pointed out, her green eyes narrowed, knowing from experience the strengths that lay within each individual. "Sometimes it is the experience of the warrior and not the _looks_ of an individual, you still have to learn that my Dear Arl Lonidas."

The Arl frowned at the Teyrna as he rose to his feet. "Assemble the royal guard!"

Yuven groaned as he saw more men surrounding him. His eyebrows twitched in annoyance.

"I can't take this anymore"

"You can do it Sir Squeaky!" Zevran yelled from the sidelines.

"Just play dead!" Alistair suggested again.

The Arl smirked sitting himself down and took a gulp of the rum, drinking it all in one gulp.

Yuven snarled his eyes started to spark electricity. "You disrespectful…"

Once finishing his glass the Arl started to cough. His face turning to blue and then went purple as he started to cough and gag, his skin started to swell and reveal spots and zits.

"_**BASTARDS!"**_

Yuven just didn't care anymore. He was going to bring this place to the ground. The entire arena began to shine in purple light as the crowds screamed. Everyone was trying to escape to get to safety even the Teyrna and Teyrn were making a break for it.

From a distance back at their camp, Leliana, Sten and the dog relaxed on the outskirts of the city until they heard and saw an explosion from the centre of the city.

Leliana sighed as she and Sten looked at each other. They knew who it was and at this point they try and act less surprised.

* * *

**To Be Continued**

* * *

**Authors Note**

I would like to thank my older brother _Darth Malleus_ for reading over my grammar and making sure I don't forget the important things.

This took two days to write and I hope you enjoyed it! I think it's better than the first two chapters!

Till next time!


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